Al Khattabeen: Al Khattabeen: The Degrading Influence on the Self Esteem of Young Female Adults

Weddings in Syria are all about traditions and well-taught protocols. Marriages in the Muslim community tend to mostly be carried out in a way where a series of meetings and family connections are established before any official wedding plans are announced. It is at this point where the “Khattabeen” pitch in to play their role in cherry-picking the intended bride.

The Khattabeen culture was prevalent during times of complete gender segregation; men and women couldn’t meet unless they were first-degree relatives, which made it impossible for people to marry without a mediator. Coming from a religious perspective, another aspect that could have encouraged this tradition is the strong emphasis on female sexual purity. Therefore, separating men and women would guarantee female virginity and render her worthy of an honorable marriage.

While this traditional custom could facilitate finding one’s best match, one cannot turn a blind eye on its mentally-traumatizing and psychologically-demeaning repercussions on women. It often deviates from its purpose to take on the shape of reducing women into mere materialistic objects that must live up to predetermined standards. Of course, not everyone adopts these humiliating and objectifying means of matchmaking, and there are many fruitful cases of marriage that have had a positive experience with Al-Khattabeen. It is also worth noting that not all Syrians, Syrian Muslims particularly, necessarily partake in this practice.

“You only get one chance to make a first impression”

Al-Khattabeen make the first move by visiting the prospective bride and her family to acquaint and familiarize themselves with one another; these visits are most usually made without the presence of the groom.

Discussions revolve around the bride, paying close attention to a detailed report of her beauty, education, age, family roots, and social class, essentially examining and assessing all the facets of her existence to prove worthy to the “exceptional” groom.

Examples of how the Khattabeen would “assess” the potential bride:

• “How many dishes can you cook?” and “Can you clean?” are also commonly asked, implying that the groom is unwilling/incapable of doing so and reducing the potential bride to being “the help” or even, more accurately, “the pretty help”.
• The decade-long war introduced a new criterion: “how many passports/citizenships does she carry aside from the Syrian passport?”
• Her physique, femininity, and facial features, including weight. curves, and the clarity of her skin.
• Intruding curiosity about her education, religiosity, and aspirations are also part of the package.

Women who don’t satisfy the criteria are omitted and passed over, a process that takes a heavy toll on their self-image, shakes their self-esteem, and makes them susceptible to eating disorders, as it cultivates a sense of worthlessness and self-loathing. This also teaches younger female generations to be submissive and accepting of such objectifying practices and judgments about their appearance, in addition to having less agency in asserting their own identities.

“There’s more to a woman than the “perfect” bride standards set by society”. The addressing and acknowledgment of this bitter reality is the first step of the road towards positive change. The intention of this article is to break this cycle that is condescending and outdated. It is also worth mentioning that we do not intend to generalize our discussion to all Syrians, but rather we are addressing a narrow segment of society that partakes in the toxic aspect of this tradition.

Ways to reverse the negative impact and adopt healthier alternatives include:

• The presence of the groom from the start is PIVOTAL during family visits, allowing the potential bride and groom to meet, talk, and decide for themselves whether or not they are a good match.
• Anxiety over the “purity of women” must dissipate, and opportunities for the potential couple to have the space to discuss things on a personal level must be given.
• Encourage parental advice but limit exaggerated parental involvement and harsh assessments. After all, it’s all about those two individuals.